Reflections ......

I was taking a bus to work this morning and had some quiet moments when I started to ponder about my life, my family and all the events which happened recently.

One thing for sure – Life is very vulnerable and it is too short to let any unhappiness be an obstacle to how we want to lead our life.

On the 16th of Jan, my life changed completely. Dad had a stroke on the very night and we were all thrown into states of confusion and instability. Few months down the road, we had all changed the way we lead our lives. But definitely a STRONGER me! Through this ordeal, I’ve seen real love existing between my parents. They squabbled and bickered everyday without fail but the undying love and concern shown never fails to shed a few of my tears as I stand quietly in a corner and look as I witness what it means by true love…

After the saga, it’s more of getting used to the routine. Dad felt discouraged sometimes and also had suicidal thoughts (according to my mum). Life is vulnerable. With a partially disabled dad, a newborn son, a job, a nagging mum, tons of bills and a planned for but unfulfilled dream, I struggled. Luckily, I had a very supporting hubby who accommodated my whole family to the extent that all of them are living with us in our tiny little house now. I never hear a word of complaint from him and the most consoling part is his immense support for my dream. How lucky I am. Through this ordeal, I think I have really found someone to stand by me through thick and thin. We quarreled occasionally, more so after the arrival of our son, Zorian due to a different transition in our lives and also adjusting to different ways/habits of life.

“Should I brave ahead and continue my life journey just the way I want or should I just continue the rat race and bring enough bread home to make ends meet”?

2 voices perpetually running inside my head.
One is “Why be so hard on yourself? Why can’t you just do something that’ll add value and aid in looking for a job that can earn more”?
The other “Just follow your heart. Life is short! Live with no regrets. If you never try, you’ll never know if you’re good and you might have regrets later. Just do it!”

Friends often dictate me as aloof and domineering. I do not see the need to dispute against that because they do not know me. So why bother unless you have a chance to see the other side of me? From young, I was brought up in a way by my mum that I need to make every single decision on my own. I have to always be a strong and brave one, decide and think on my own. Maybe that’s why. I think when the situation gets tough, one gets tougher.... :)

Before I had Zorian, life was still a mystery with no zeal and zest coupled with occasional restless days. I often wonder what should/how can I do things so that my life will be more fulfilling. Everyday's just like a normal day with no aims and no goals. And we tend to take each day as each day. We grumble, we complain and we blame everyone EXCEPT OURSELVES. Sounds familar? We complain about our life, our job, our career, our colleagues and the amount of $ we have in our banks, etc. We envy people with big house, big cars, branded things, good job, handsome boyfriend, pretty and busty girlfriend, etc. We blame our boss, the clock which fail us, the mrt/bus which 'seem' to take extra long, our parents, our shitty luck, GOD, FATE, etc. How many of you out there are guilty of this?

I am. Truely. I am.

After I had Zorian and especially after my dad's episode, life's changed for me. I see things in a very different light now. I feel so energized! I feel that life is very wonderful! And I cherish each and everyday I have with my loved ones, including my family and my friends. :) I realise the only person that can change all this is MYSELF! ME! Now, I have goals and am keeping my word to attempt to it. I reckoned that action speaks louder than words. Contentment isn't the word because sometimes contentment sets you in a 'slack' mode. Zorian gives me the drive! Miraculously.. he does. Probably I would also like him to look upon me as someone with achievements or someone whom he can learnt from and not someone who just breathes air in and out to survive. In short, I begin to wanted to live life to the fullest. :)

First time in my life, I learn to take things slow and also within my stride. I see life in a different way now. :) It's definitely a new phrase of my life now as I learn with each different day and I look forward to share lots more with my friends and family. :) Stay tuned.......